Top 5 Evil Computers

In honor of this week’s look into WarGames we take a look at five of the most evil computers to ever send packets and open up sockets.

5. V.I.K.I (I, Robot)

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VIKI was designed by Dr. Alfred Lanning to help run the US Robotics manufacturing plants and other functions.  Like all the robots, she is programmed with the Three Laws of Robotics but she decides that the only way to enforce them is to take over the world and rule humanity for their own good.  Fortunately for us humans, Will Smith says, “aw hells naw” and injects her brain with nanites which erases her programming.  Humanity then decides to take a break from robots for a while.

4. Auto (Wall-E)

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Auto is the auto pilot for the space cruiser Axiom.  Originally meant to escape Earth’s garbage pile up for a few months, the Axiom has been is space for years and the humans have turned so fat they need scooters to carry them around everywhere.  Auto recieved a communication from Fred Willard, (the president of the Buy N Large chain of stores) that Earth will never be habitable again.  He’s proven wrong by the adorable duo of Wall-E and EVE when they bring a plant that grew on Earth.  Auto tries to take over the ship but an army of renegade robots and the Captain manage to shut him down and his band of douchebag security bots down.

3. MCP (Tron)

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Originally designed as a chess program the Master Control Program rapidly grew and increased it’s intelligence, eventually controlling all aspects of the computer company ENCOM’s systems.  Using a number of evil programs it began enslaving the programs of ENCOM into doing it’s bidding and if they didn’t; make them fight in gladiatoresque battles of frisbee and jai alai.  The MCP begins expanding it’s empire into other companies and even tries to infiltrate the Penatagon.  It decides that it can run things “900-1200 better than any human”.  It’s one mistake though was digitizing The Dude himself, Jeff Bridges, into the mainframe.  Along with the titular Tron, a program designed to fight the MCP, Jeff Bridges manages to blow up the MCP and free the digital world.

2. HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey)

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If you downloaded Hannibal Lecter into a computer the result would be HAL 9000.  HAL is the computer of the spaceship Discovery and is tasked with waking it’s astronauts from cryosleep and performing most of the important tasks on the ship.  HAL tells Dave and Frank, the two astronauts, that their antennae is going to fail in 72 hours.  They check it out and it appears fine so they think that HAL might have a problem and they might have to shut him down.  HAL doesn’t respond to this very well however and kills the three scientists who are still hibernating.  He also sets Frank adrift after HAL suggested they replace the part of the antennae that was supposed to fail and just wait and see what happens.  Dave goes after Frank but loses him and when he tries to get back into the ship, HAL won’t let him in.  Dave gets into an airlock and manages to rip out all of HAL’s modules that control memory and his other functions.

1. Skynet (Terminator series)

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Like you didn’t see this coming?  Skynet is without a doubt the most evil computer ever since it killed billions of people on August 29, 1997 or Judgement Day.  With it’s army of terminators, tanks and other death machines it tried to wipe out the remaining human resistance in an awesome future war.  Unfortunately for Skynet the humans were led by John Connor, who next year will be played by the goddamned Batman himself Cristian Bale.  Skynet decided the only way to stop Connor was to send a terminator back in time to kill, first his mother and then him, and then him again.  Skynet really needs WOPR’s tic tac toe program.  Skynet was never really defeated, despite the combined power of Arnold and Linda “she kill me with her pinky” Hamilton.  After T2 the Army actually developed Skynet and switched it on a few years later, so Judgement Day was delayed.  We’re going to have to see if Cristian Bale can defeat it once and for all next year.

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