Zach’s Top 5 Worst Movies of 2013
- The Counselor: This should have been a home run of a crime thriller with Ridley Scott directing, Cormac McCarthy writing and stars like Michael Fassbender, Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz starring but it turned out to be the biggest disappointment of the year and a boring, pretentious mess of a movie. Most of the movie is just awful people having awful conversations about morality, sex, money, etc that makes you enjoy most of the characters’ inevitable, horrible deaths more than you should.
- Pain & Gain: Like I said in my review of this movie this year, “What’s worse than a bad Michael Bay action movie?” and the answer is a non-action movie from Michael Bay like Pain & Gain. Indulging all of Bay’s worst tendencies in regards to character and humor, all of which is incredibly offensive and dumb, with none of the bad ass action that usually balances out even the worst of his movies somewhat. Not even The Rock or Mark Wahlberg can save this movie.
- After Earth: Here’s an idea: let’s take one of the funnest and most charismatic actors in Hollywood, Will Smith, and make him the most dour, grim character in movie history and also force him to be sitting in one place for the entire movie. I don’t know if this was some sort of birthday present for Jaden Smith but hopefully this finally shows Will his son is a terrible actor and he won’t buy any more movies for him. M. Night Shyamalan directing was just the cherry on top of this terrible sundae.
- White House Down: I saw multiple websites and critics saying this movie was way better than Olympus Has Fallen and, shockingly, actually fun. This movie is not fun, it’s a bloated mess that, just like Pain & Gain, has all the directors worst tendencies but none of the positives to balance it out. While Olympus is a sleek throwback to 80’s and 90’s action, White House Down is an over 2 hour long monster full of terrible CG, boring scenarios and some of the worst characters Roland Emmerich has ever created, especially Channing Tatum’s political blogging daughter.
- Parker: If you’ve been on the site or listened to the podcast, you know we pretty much see anything with Jason Statham in it but Parker was one of the worst Statham movies I’ve seen in a while. It wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a full on action movie, a heist movie or a comedy and doesn’t do any of them well. It starts out promising with a fun heist at a carnival but then gets stranded in a Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy for the entire middle of the movie. Definitely watch Homefront or especially Redemption instead of this one if you want a Statham movie from 2013.
Other Terrible movies I saw this year: The Lone Ranger, Snitch, Dead Man Down
Joe’s Top 5 Worst Movies of 2013
1. Lords of Salem: I wanted to like this movie, but at the end of the day, it was too abstract and bizarre for its own good. An awesome music video, yes. But a terrible movie. Far too many elderly boobs for my tastes.
2. The Purge: The blueprint is there for you. Just look at video games like Manhunt for brutal societal collapse violence… But this movie dropped the ball and dropped it hard. One of the biggest disappointments of the year for me. And I saw Lords of Salem.
3. Pain and Gain: The Rock is in it. Weights are lifted. You would think this movie would be in my top 3 if anything. But ultimately, it just didn’t do it for me. It was too all over the place and ultimately wasn’t an action movie, drama, or comedy. It was just sort of there.
4. Dark Skies: Awesome idea, but like The Purge, missed the cues from the good incarnations of the concept that have come before it. In the end, it’s an entirely forgettable, mediocre family drama disguised as a horror movie. That’s a shame too considering how much I love the paranormal and extraterrestrial.
5. Scary Movie 5: Why?
Chris’ Top 5 Worst Movies of 2013
1) After Earth: For all the witty charm that we come to love from Will Smith, this film shows that acting is not something genetic. Jaden Smith plays both the hero and the damsel in distress, while Will Smith tries his best to get through his scenes shouting on a blue tooth half the time. Oh, and M. Night Shyamalan was involved with this production. Twist.
2) Scary Movie 5: There have been five movies, almost ten years for the franchise to get back to Scary Movie 1 status. I get that the Wayans brothers stepped out from this franchise like a crashing stock share to start their new project, so what ever old charm there was to the series has since up rooted it self and…
3) A Haunted House: Here comes the new project from the Wayan brothers. They knew how to write movies such as “Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood” and “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka”. Well, this is no where close to those classic Wayan moments.
5) Safe Haven: Somehow, I consider this both another horror movie done wrong and a creepy romance movie with a hilarious twist. (This is also Brian’s worst movie of 2013)