Better late than never, I’ve finally seen probably the biggest action movie of the summer, Transformers: Dark of the Moon.  Anything would be an improvement over the bloated, incoherent mess that was Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon moves back towards the fun of the first movie with some spectacular action sequences, even though it takes about an hour to get to any true action.

We pick up the story of Sam Whitwicky and the Autobots a year since the Autobots arrived on Earth.  While Optimus and the ‘bots are helping NEST take down terrorists, Sam is trying to get a job and mooching off his new girlfriend, Carly.  While on a mission in Chernobyl, Optimus and NEST discover a piece of the Ark, the only Autobot ship to escape from Cybertron.  It’s then revealed that the entire reason for the 60′s space race was that the US and USSR were trying to reach the crashed Ark on the moon.  The Ark was carrying the technology to build a space bridge for transporting supplies and refugees to another planet and the inventor and captain of the Ark, Sentinel Prime.  I don’t want to ruin too much of the plot but eventually an entire invasion force of Decepticons are transported to Earth and completely take over Chicago to use it as a base for total planet conquest.  Optimus, the Autobots, Sam and NEST all head into the city to stop the Decepticons and save the Earth.

The glaring problem with Dark of the Moon is that it is way, way, too effing long.  For the first hour of the movie there are little sprinklings of Transformers action but for the most part it’s the one thing that Michael Bay is terrible at, character interaction.  There are people in this movie that, while they are awesome actors, are completely pointless.  John Malkovich, Ken Jeong and Andrew Daly all show up for about five minutes each, have some sort of crazy character affect and then disappear or are killed.  There’s also large amounts of exposition that you could have covered in one scene and then cut 30-45 minutes out of the movie with little ill effect on the plot.  If Michael Bay had done a solid, focused first 45 minutes and then had the awesome hour long action sequence that ends the movie, it would have been fantastic.  There’s also the obligatory visit from Sam’s parents in the beginning, Sam being jealous of Patrick Dempsey and Frances McDormand being a huge bitch (to her credit, she is fun to hate).  The only interesting plot pieces from the first hour or so that work are the space race stuff and the revelation that Soundwave and Laserbeak have been, for years, coercing humans into doing jobs for them and then killing them.

As is the norm for Transformers, there are a ton of new robot characters but there are a only a few that work.  Leonard Nimoy brings a ton of gravitas as Sentinel Prime and Laserbeak is a surprisingly fun and sadistic character.  The big thing that Dark of the Moon was promoting was that fan favorite Transformer Shockwave would be in the movie and he is pretty cool (he controls the giant worm thing you see in the trailers) but he’s in the first ten of minutes of the movie and then completely disappears until the Chicago battle almost an hour and a half later.  The rest of the new bots are either cannon fodder Decepticons or not as offensive but still horribly stereotypical Autobots like the weirdly Spanish Dino or angry British Wreckers.  Bumblebee and Optimus are still far and away the most well defined characters (Peter Cullen could voice a toaster and I would still follow it into the depths of Hell).  Megatron is weirdly sidelined for pretty much the entire movie, although he is still recovering from the ass whomping he got from Optimus at the end of Revenge of the Fallen.

Once the action actually kicks in after the first hour or so, it is almost non stop and most of it is spectacular.  It doesn’t really make any sense why they are used but the wing suit sequence is amazing, especially considering that stuntmen actually did fly through Chicago skyscrapers.  The scene you can see in the trailer where Sam and crew are trapped in a collapsing building is also pretty stunning.  As in the last two movies, the best action sequences involve Optimus but, in another weird decision by Bay, Optimus gets fucking tangled in a crane and is out of the action for almost 20 minutes but when he jumps back in, it’s great.  If you want to see shit constantly exploding and Chicago almost completely leveled, Dark of the Moon is the movie for you.

The first Transformers movie is still far and away the best movie in the series but Dark of the Moon is a solid second place with Revenge of the Fallen a distant third.  Michael Bay desperately needs to hire an editor but he is still a master of staging action sequences and the 3D definitely adds an extra “wow” factor to the action.  If you’re prepared to dedicate most of your day to it and you were a fan of the first movie, I would say definitely check out Transformers: Dark of the Moon, just be prepared to slog through the first hour to get to the awesome last hour.

3.5 out of 5

Name: Frank Horrigan

Occupation: Secret Service Agent

Family: None

Allies: Al D’Andrea, Lily Raines, Sam Campagna

Enemies: Mitch Leary

Weapon(s) of Choice: SIG Sauer P228, Smith & Wesson Model 19

Body Count: 3

Memorable Quote: “You have a rendezvous with my ass, motherfucker!”

See Frank in Action:

Red

Starring: Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Mary Louise Parker

Directed by: Robert Schwentke

Plot: A group of retired CIA agents have to join forces to break into CIA headquarters after the agency targets them for assassination.

Rotten Tomatoes Freshness: 71%

Critic Consensus: “It may not be the killer thrill ride you’d expect from an action movie with a cast of this caliber, but Red still thoroughly outshines most of its big-budget counterparts with its wit and style.”

Jackass 3D

Starring: Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-o, Chris Pontius, Jason “Wee Man” Acuna, Ryan Dunn, Preston Lacy

Directed by: Jeff Tremaine

Plot: The Jackass gang returns for another movie filled with stunts, pranks and gross out gags.

RT Freshness: 48%

Critic Consensus: N/A

2010 is definitely the year of action teams and along with The Losers, The A-Team and The Expendables we now have Red, based on the comic mini series by Warren Ellis.  Bruce Willis stars as a retired CIA assassin who comes out of retirement when the CIA sends a hit squad after him.  While The Expendables features all your favorite action stars, Red features all your favorite Oscar winners and nominees like John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren.  I think this might be worth it just for the novelty of seeing Helen Mirren kicking ass and it looks like Bruce Willis is back to his ass kicking self after his tranquilized performance in Surrogates.  Check out the trailer below and the movie is out later this year.

Toy Story 3

Starring: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Don Rickles

Directed by: Lee Unkrich

Plot: When Andy heads off to college, Woody, Buzz and the rest of the gang gets donated to a day care center and meet a whole new group of toys.

Rotten Tomatoes Freshness: 99%

Critic Consensus: “Deftly blending comedy, adventure, and honest emotion, Toy Story 3 is a rare second sequel that really works.”

Jonah Hex

Starring: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich, Will Arnett

Directed by: Jimmy Hayward

Plot: Supernatural bounty hunter Jonah Hex accepts a job from the US Government to stop his arch nemesis, Turnbull.

RT Freshness: 14%

Critic Consensus: “Josh Brolin gives it his best shot, but he can’t keep the short, unfocused Jonah Hex from collapsing on the screen.”

This summer is just packed full of comic movies and DC is bringing their supernatural cowboy Jonah Hex out in June and we got our first trailer today.  Josh Brolin stars as Hex, who gains supernatural powers after nearly dying at the hands of John Malkovich’s Quentin Turnbull.  Turnbull kills his Hex’s family and leaves him for dead, Hex then becomes a bounty hunter and general bad ass.  One of Hex’s only allies is hooker Lila, played with a terrible sounding western accent by Megan Fox.  The US government tasks Hex with going after Turnbull, who is building an army.  I’m getting a kind of Wild, Wild West feel from the movie but hopefully with Brolin and Malkovich on board it won’t be the ridiculously over the top trainwreck that movie was.  You can check out the trailer below and decide for yourself.

Spider Man 4 has been all over the place recently, first with casting rumors of John Malkovich playing The Vulture and now Sony has said that they are completely scrapping the Raimi/Maguire series and starting fresh with a reboot.  Raimi walked after concerns over the script and schedule and Sony has hired script writer James Vanderbilt to write the reboot.  Sony says the new Spidey series will follow a Peter Parker who is still in high school and will have to deal with all the major teen concerns along with his super powered ones.  This sounds exactly like Ultimate Spider Man where Marvel restarted the series with revamped villains and making it more contemporary (Peter’s an intern on The Daily Bugle’s blog, for instance).  Spider Man 3 was a major disappointment but it seems a little early for a complete reboot.  We’ll have to wait to 2012 to see it.

*Updated* It’s been announced the (500) Days of Summer director Marc Webb has been tapped to helm the new reboot and the movie is supposed to arrive in the summer of 2012.

• Name: Cameron Poe
• Occupation: Former Army Ranger, convict
• Family: Tricia Poe (Wife), Casey Poe (Daughter)
• Allies: Mike “Baby-O” O’Dell, US Marshall Vince Larkin, Guard Sally Bishop
• Enemies: Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom, Diamond Dog, Billy Bedlam, Johnny 23, Swamp Thing, Fransisco Sandino
• Weapon(s) of Choice: Colt Woodsman, Bare hands
• Body Count: 3
• Memorable Quote: “Put the bunny back in the box”

After fulfilling his duties as an Army ranger, Cameron Poe returns home to his wife Tricia to settle down but after spending a night at a bar, Cameron and Tricia are accosted by obnoxious drunks and a fight breaks out.  It escalates until one of the drunks pulls a knife and Cameron accidentally kills him trying to defend himself.  Poe is given 8 years and serves them as a model inmate and gets parole.  Poe is going to be flying home on the C-123 nicknamed “Jailbird” and it’s also carrying some of the most dangerous criminals in the country to a new Supermax prison in Alabama.  Among them is the highly intelligent and deadly Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom.  The flight goes as well as expected until halfway to their next stop when prisoner “Pinball” coughs up a vial of kerosene and a match  that he swallowed and lights his seatmate on fire.  With this distraction, Cyrus pulls a needle he embedded into his palm and picks his lock and heads toward the cockpit.  The co-pilot pulls out one of the few guns and heads back to check the commotion but is killed by Cyrus and the convicts take over the plane.  One of the prisoners turns out to be an undercover DEA agent and he tries to regain control using a gun from an ankle holster.  Poe tries to talk him down which distracts him long enough for Cyrus to kill him, which Cyrus compliments Poe on.

The prisoners heads for Carson City to pick up more inmates.  Cyrus and the other felons dress like guards and send some of the guards out as inmates, as three prisoners are being transferred off the plane.  Poe smuggles a tape recorder that the DEA agent had onto one of the guards so that the authorities can know what is going on.  Some of the prisoners being transferred onto Jailbird are Swamp Thing, an expert on airplanes and the new pilot and the Hannibal Lecter like Garland Greene. Also coming on board is Fransisco Cindino  The guards at Carson City find out about what is going on but are unable to stop the plane from taking off and Pinball climbs onto the landing gear to try and get back on the plane, as he was sneaking the plane’s transponder onto another plane.

Meanwhile, US Marshall Vince Larkin and DEA Agent Malloy find out about Cyrus’ plan and disagree about the best course of action.  Malloy goes after the transponder signal with attack helicopters and Larkin heads to Lerner Airfield after Pinball’s body crashes onto a car with a message from Poe on it.  Poe also has to kill one of the inmates, Billy Bedlam, after Billy discovers Poe’s pardon and could reveal this to Cyrus.

The convicts arrive at Lerner Airfield to meet with Cindino’s men, get paid and leave the country.  Poe sneaks off to try and get insulin for his friend Baby-O and accidentally runs into Cindino’s men.  Larkin arrives at that moment and the two take the men out.  Larkin says he’s here to help, but Poe doesn’t trust him and goes back to look for the insulin.  The inmates meanwhile are trying to dig the plane out after it’s rough landing and get ready for the troops coming.  Cindino sneaks off to meet his pilot at his private jet and attempts to take off.  Larkin uses a crane to rip the back half of the jet off and it crashes into some gas pumps.  Cyrus and the inmates go to investigate and Cindino crawls out of the wreckage and tries to explain but Cyrus lights the gas with a cigarette and kills Cindino and blows up the jet, an explosion which Poe just barely escapes.

The government troops arrive and a huge firefight breaks out.  Larkin commandeers a snowplow and provides cover for the troops.  Cyrus orders a retreat and the convicts escape in the Jailbird.  Poe tries to slow down the plane by tying a chain to the back of the plane, but it doesn’t work.  Cyrus knows there is another traitor on board and suspects Poe but Baby-O takes the blame and a bullet.  Cyrus still isn’t convinced but before he can confront Poe, Malloy and his attack helicopters arrive and open fire.  Poe heads for the cockpit and tells Swamp Thing to land.  The closest airfield is in Las Vegas but the damage to the plane is going to force them to land on the Vegas strip.

The landing kills and injures many of the prisoners and causes tons of property damage along the strip.  Poe, Baby-O, and captive guard Sally Bishop all survive and think the ordeal is over but Cyrus and a few prisoners sneak out of the plane and steal a fire truck.  Larkin and Poe give chase on police motorcycles and take down the convicts, with Cyrus getting a particularly gruesome end by a piece of construction equipment.

After all this, Poe is finally reunited with his wife and their daughter Casey, who he has never met.  The only prisoner to actually escape is Garland, who spent most of the time at Lerner playing with a little girl and then sneaks off to go gamble in one of the casino’s.

See Cameron in Action:

Nicholas Cage is Cameron Poe, a recently discharged Ranger who heads home to somewhere in the south, Alabama maybe? I don’t know, but when he gets there some rednecks interrupt his reunion dance with his wife. This is when we are introduced to the movie’s cheestastic anthem “How Do I Live?” by Leeann Rimes. Yes, I’m being serious.

Anyway, the rednecks being rednecks are fueled up on Jack Daniels and rage and jump Cameron outside the bar.Instead of just getting the hell out of their, Cameron proceeds to use the Rangers brand of whoop ass and beats the rednecks down. He somehow kills one with an open palm to the chin. Legal Minute: The rednecks pulled a knife which basically meant they were using deadly force, Cameron could fight back with deadly force and it probably would result in him getting off by pleading self defense. End Legal Minute. But what kind of movie would that be? Cameron pleads guilty because his lawyer tells him he’ll only get 4 years in prison. The judge must hate rangers or something because he gives Cameron 7 years because he’s “A lethal weapon”. Yup, so Cameron goes to jail and grows one of cinema’s greatest mullets. He makes friends with Baby-o aka Bubba from Forrest Gump. After 5 or so years Cameron is paroled, since he’s probably the nicest convict in history.  He’s making origami and eating pink cupcakes for god’s sake! So, he and Baby-o are put on the Jailbird, the prison airplane.  Why Baby-o is on the plane is not really clear since they mention that he is not getting paroled and they are heading for the worst prison in America.  Well, whatever, it adds to the “drama” as it were.

At this point, enter Agent Larkin, aka John Cusack, who is in charge of the plane and making sure it arrives safely. He must have been high or something when the passenger list was made because the most pyschotic criminals ever assembled are put on the same plane. I’m sure nothing could go wrong right? The DEA is putting an agent on the plane to trail the Cindino drug syndicate or something. I’m not sure exactly what they are trying to accomplish but, he has a gun secretly given to him by DEA agent asshole aka Colm Meaney.

While enroute, the cons execute their escape plan the mvp of which is Pinball played by Dave Chappelle. He sets fire to a guy and then pulls the levers to release the maximum security prisoners. Let’s get to know our cons shall we? We got Diamond Dog played by Ving Rhames, Billy Bedlam, Johnny 23, and Cyrus the Virus aka John Malkovich aka perhaps the scariest mother-fucker in the world. Mr. DEA agent attempts to stop the prisoners but since he’s retarded to think he’ll be able to take back the plane single handed he’s shot in the head by Cyrus. The gang heads to Carson City and take on more playmates and get rid of the pilot and some of the guards by disguising them as cons. Cameron was going to get off but he’s too good a guy so he stays to help Bubba and token lady guard. The new cons consist of cross-dressing gay con, Swamp Thing, the new pilot and Steve Busciemi in the creepiest role in movie history.

Busciemi is Garland Greene who apparently killed 131 people and is brought on the plane in hannibal lecter gear. Oh yeah, they also pick up Cindino, who is going to pay the cons for freeing him, and he and his brothers are going to transport them all out of the country. They’re going to Lerner Airfield which is out in the boonies somewhere. Cameron managed to get a message to Larkin by writing a note on Pinball’s shirt. Yeah, seems our friend Pinball was trying to score with a mechanic after hiding the plane’s transponder and tried to get on the plane through the landing gear. He didn’t quite make it inside. Larkin steals Mr. Asshole’s corvette and heads to the airfield. The con’s plane crash lands and is buried in sand. The cons start digging out and cindino runs to his brother’s jet to escape and screw the cons over. Unfortunately Cameron already stumbled on them and kicked their asses. He also meets Larkin and the two split up to “save the fucking day” according to Poe. Larkin uses a crane to stop the esaping jet by ripping the tail off and Cyrus burns Cindino alive with a cigerrette and a pool of convienent gas. Poe has to run in slow motion to escape the explosion. The mullet flows back and forth majestically, although not as good as Jean Claude Van Damme’s in Hard Target.

Larkin called in the Army and they arrive with hummers and guns a plenty. They’re trapped by Cyrus and his ingenious propane tank bombs. Larkin gets a snow plow and the army manages to push the Cons back to the plane. While all this happnes Garland has a creepy tea party with a little girl. Poe gets back to the plane after finding Bubba some insulin because it turns out he’s a diabetic. Poe also kinda killed Billy Bedlam earlier in the cargo hold and Cyrus finds Billy and the parole papers. Bubba says that he did everything and Cyrus shoots him. Poe proceeds to beat the cons asses and takes the plane back. Agent Asshole contributes by shooting the plane from his Apache helicopter and almost blowing it out of the sky. I guess he was pissed that his car got towed behind the plane and crashed into the observation tower. Anyway, Larkin convinces Colm to not fire a missile and the plane heads to Las Vegas.It’s of course low on fuel and crashes through the non existant Hard Rock on the strip and finally comes to a  stop.

It’s not over yet however, as Cyrus, Diamond and Swamp Thing steal the fire truck the plane magically parked on top of and drive off. Larkin and Poe steal some police bikes and head off in pursuit. Diamond Dawg is thrown off and Poe takes the pike that Cyrus was using and stabs him through the foot. Larkin takes a hose and floods the cockpit of the truck and the truck slams into an armored car throwing money and cliches everywhere.

Cyrus then has one of the most unecessarily extreme deaths ever. He goes through a glass connecting tunnel, breaks through some electrical wires, presumably getting electrocuted and then falls onto some sort of rock crusher/pile driver that just happens to be on the strip. His head is then crushed. Poe is reunited with his wife and daughter, who I think is scared of either her daddy’s mullet or wife beater or both. He gives her the bunny he got for her birthday. That damned bunny was basically his reason for killing Billy Bedlam, he wouldn’t “put the bunny back in the box”. Then we’re treated once again to “How Do I Live” and Poes live happily ever after. Garland meanwhile escapes and seemingly starts out a new life as a craps shooter. Compared to The Rock, Con-Air is kinda crappy. But it’s still mindless, explosive fun. Give me mullets, cons and explosions and that’s a winning formula.