5. Robert Muldoon in Jurassic Park

Supposed Expert in: Dinosaurs

I’m willing to cut Muldoon (Bob Peck) some slack because the animal he’s asked to be an expert in hasn’t existed on the planet Earth for 65 million years but he still fails spectacularly when called upon to act.  Throughout the entirety of Jurassic Park, Muldoon is built up as a bad ass hunter, previously working on John Hammond’s Kenyan game park and an expert in predators like cheetahs and lions but is called upon to be the game warden of the various dinosaur species Ingen has brought back to life.  Muldoon does manage to outrun the T-Rex in a jeep but we were all just waiting to see Muldoon get down to his element and take on the dinosaurs 1 on 1.  To Muldoon’s credit, he seems to have massive respect for the various dinosaurs, most notably the Raptors, but he is still easily outsmarted by the Raptor trio with a simple bait and switch.

4. Charles Remington in The Ghost and The Darkness

Supposed Expert in: Lions

As played by Michael Douglas, Charles Remington is a Victorian era lion hunter who is called in by British military engineer John Henry Patterson to help kill a pair of rogue lions (the titular Ghost and Darkness) who are stalling the building of a railroad through Africa.  Remington arrives with a group of Massai warriors, who immediately leave after the first confrontation with the lions.  Remington stays and comes up with a plan to lure the lions to an old hospital by covering it with blood and meat but the lions instead go to the recently build new hospital and murder a bunch of patients and more of the railroad workers.  Remington does manage to kill one of the lions but the other ninjas into camp later that night and drags Remington off to kill him, leaving Val Kilmer to kill the remaining lion by himself.

3. Paul Sarone in Anaconda

Supposed Expert in: Snakes

Besides being a shitty snake expert, Paul Sarone (as played by Jon Voight) is also just a huge dick, hijacking a documentary film crew on his mad quest to capture a record breakingly huge green anaconda.  Sarone’s various attempt to capture the anaconda only result in most of the film crew getting killed and Sarone even uses the surviving crew as bait by covering them in monkey blood but is finally killed by the anaconda himself as it eats him whole and then, to add insult to injury, vomits him back up.

2. Dr. James Atherton in Arachnaphobia

Supposed Expert in: Spiders

Dr. Atherton’s failure almost resulted in a deadly new species of spider invading all of America and not just the small town they start out in.  Dr. Atherton starts out by doing the equivalent of throwing dynamite into a lake by going into the Venezuelan rainforest and smoke bombing the creatures of a massive sinkhole and collecting the falling, knocked out, creatures, one of which is an aggressive, venomous spider.  The captured spider is only a drone but the “general” spider hitches a ride in one of Atherton’s assistant’s backpacks, kills him and then catches a ride back to America, where it mates with a common house spider and a brood of genetic monsters are unleashed on the small town of Canaima, killing a bunch of the residents.  Atherton is called in by archanophobic town doctor, Ross Jennings, to figure out how to stop the spiders and Atherton tracks down the site of the general’s first nest but is quickly killed by getting bit on the arm, leaving Dr. Jennings and bumbling town exterminator, Delbert McClintock, to eliminate the rest of the spiders.

1. Quint in Jaws

Supposed Expert in: Jaws

The amount of hype and build up around Quint (Robert Shaw) in Jaws makes his eventual horrific murder by the titular shark all the more ridiculous.  Quint starts the hype machine going by interrupting a town meeting about what to do about the rogue shark by saying that he’s hunted sharks before and even gives the town options about how they want the carcass.  Quint, along with Sheriff Brody and scientific shark expert Matt Hooper, head out Quint’s boat, the Orca, to hunt down Jaws and Quint reveals that he has an hatred of sharks after surviving in shark infested waters in World War II when his ship was sunk.  Jaws manages to damage the Orca various times and Quint helps by destroying the only radio on board.  Eventually Jaws manages to flop himself on board and eat Quint in the most horrible way possible, leaving Sheriff Brody, who is terrified of both sharks and the ocean, to blow up Jaws with a well timed shot to a scuba tank.

The arrival of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the early 90′s spawned a bunch of imitators, some good, most bad.  Since the TMNT are clearly the best anthropomorphic animal team in existence, we thought we’d take a look at some of the other teams out there and see if there’s any that can stand up with the pizza loving OG’s.

The Best:

5. Terrible Thunderlizards

The awesome B-side to the already awesome Eek! the Cat was the misadventures of the Terrible Thunderlizards and their attempts to eliminate the first two humans. The team consisted of Doc, an Arnold Schwarznegger parody and team leader, Kutter, a Triceratops and knife expert and Squat, the dull witted guinea pig, all three recently released from prison for their mission. Armed with the latest in prehistoric firepower like bee grenades, the trio attempted to eradicate cavemen Bill and Scooter, but were usually foiled by one of Scooter’s inventions inadvertently saving the day.

4. Battletoads

Though they, thankfully after the brain scarring pilot, never made it Saturday mornings, the Battletoads are still fondly remembered by most for their fantastic, but insanely hard, series of games, most notably the original NES game. The Battltoads, according to one origin story, were a trio of video game testers who suspected their boss might be up to something nefarious. The guys decided to investigate his office one night and found the game units were on. They checked them out and were transported to another planet and permanently transformed into their amphibian counterparts; Zitz: team leader, master tactician and technology whiz, Rash: wise cracking, attitude filled and super quick and Pimple: the muscle of the team. They fight against the evil Dark Queen and her henchmen with the help of Professor T. Bird using their physics defying ability to morph their limbs into weapons and whatever they can get their hands on. They even teamed up at one point with fellow NES beat em up specialists, the Double Dragons.

3. Star Fox

Star Fox is a team of animal mercenaries and crack pilots who are called upon to defend their home system of Lylat against the evil forces of gorilla emperor Andross. Fox McCloud leads the team with veteran pilot Peppy Hare, hot tempered Falco Lombardi and danger magnet Slippy Toad rounding it out. The group flies the super advanced fighter known as the Arwing, which also has variants that allow it to travel on the ground or underwater. The mission to defeat Andross is a personal one for Fox, as his father was killed by a bomb that Andross designed that exploded during a test flight.

2. Bucky O’Hare

Bucky O’Hare came right from the TMNT mold; it was based on a cult comic book, Playmates was working on the action figures and it got turned into a Saturday morning cartoon, video game, etc. However, kids just didn’t seem interested and the show only ran for 13 episodes. The show followed the forces SPACE or Sentient Protoplasm Against Colonial Encroachment as they battled the evil Toad Empire. The heroes of SPACE were the crew of the Rightous Indignation with Captain Bucky O’Hare at the helm, Jenny, a cat and the first mate, Deadeye Duck, the ship’s weapons expert, Blinky, the ship’s android and Willy DuWitt, a human sucked into the alternate dimension of the Aniverse from San Fransisco. The show has become a cult favorite and a fantastic entry in the space opera genre.

1. Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers

After years of tormenting Donald Duck, chipmunks Chip and Dale decided to become freelance investigators and founded the Rescue Rangers, who investigated anything from bizarre cults who worshipped soda to the various criminal schemes of crime kingpin Fat Cat. Chip became the leader of the team and fashioned himself after Indiana Jones while Dale donned a Hawaiian shirt, Magnum PI style, and took things a little less seriously, playing pranks and reading comic books. The duo recruited mechanical wiz Gadget Hackwrench, Australian adventurer Montrey Jack and fiercely loyal and surprisingly strong housefly Zipper to round out their team. Like most of the “Disney Afternoon” shows, Rescue Rangers got an awesome Capcom video game, action figures, comic books and also has one of the greatest theme songs of the 90′s.

The Worst:

3. Street Sharks

The Street Sharks were probably the most blatant in their ripping off of the Ninja Turtles, changing pizza to hamburgers and hot dogs and “Cowabunga!” to “Jawesome!”. Evil scientist, Dr. Paradigm, is experimenting with combining sea creature DNA with human DNA and sucessfully creates a number of henchmen including the lobster creature Slobster, marlin creature slash and eel creature Repteel. Dr. Paradigm’s lab partner, Dr. Bolton, finds out what Paradigm is doing and tries to stop him but is horribly mutated by Paradigm. Paradigm then kidnaps Bolton’s four radical sons and transforms them using shark DNA, but they escape and embark on a quest to take down Paradigm. The Sharks consist of Ripster, the oldest and smartest brother who becomes a Great White, Jab, a lazy boxer who becomes a Hammerhead, Slammu, a strong as an ox football player who becomes a Whale Shark and Streex, the “extreme” brother who becomes a roller blading Tiger Shark.

2. Extreme Dinosaurs

What do kids in the 90′s love? Obviously being “extreme” and dinosaurs but when you combine them you get the extremely lazy Extreme Dinosaurs, that is basically a rip off of a rip off as it’s trying to be like Street Sharks. The Dinosaurs were rival groups of mutated dinosaurs with the “Extreme” variety being the good guys fighting the evil Raptors. Despite the name, there wasn’t much “extreme”ness happening on the show, none of the dinosaurs were “radical” or roller bladed or bungee jumped or any of the other “extreme” activities of the 90′s; they just got into super repetitious fights with the Raptors and had a crappy toy line.

1. The Mighty Ducks

Let’s say you’re Disney and you’ve made one of the most beloved series of kid’s sports movies ever with The Mighty Ducks, a series so popular they got an official NHL team named after them, what do you decide to do with an animated series based on said movies? How about a batshit insane mashup of aliens, parallel dimensions, hockey playing and the goodwill built up by the excellent Ducktales and Darkwing Duck? The story of The Mighty Ducks finds the hockey loving planet of Puckworld being overrun by the demonic hordes of Lord Dragaunus. A resistance group, led by Canard Thunderbeak, attempts to fight off the invasion but are forced to flee in their ship, the Aerowing, Lord Dragaunus chases them into interdimensional space and Canard sacrifices himself to free the Aerowing from Dragaunus’ tractor beam, giving a powerful goalie mask to young Wildwing Flashblade. The surviving ducks end up in Anaheim, CA and hide in plain sight as a seemingly gimmicky costumed hockey team while battling the forces of Dragaunus and trying to figure out a way home. The show assumed you were one of the 10 people in America who loves hockey, as all the Ducks weapons were puck or stick based and there were tons of hockey and ice related one liners.  The characters were your typical archetypes for 90′s superhero shows including the feisty, super competent female, zen strong guy, tech wiz nerd girl and “radical” younger guy. The voice cast was pretty good, including Tim Curry as Dragaunus, but it was just too ridiculous to take seriously, especially compared to previous Disney animated series.

5. Old Man Mertle in The Sandlot

Only appearing briefly at the end, Mr. Mertle is still a legendary figure to the boys of The Sandlot.  Rumors abound about the kids who attempted to recover their lost baseballs, ranging from being murdered and buried in Mr. Mertle’s backyard to being devoured alive by Mr. Mertle’s giant dog, The Beast.  When a signed Babe Ruth ball goes over the fence, the boys attempt everything to get it back and eventually Sandlot leader Benny has to jump the fence and leads The Beast on an epic chase across town.  The boys come to learn that The Beast is actually just a sweet old dog named Hercules and Mr. Mertle is a former Negro league player who was blinded when he got hit by a ball and he was also a friend of Babe Ruth who gives the boys a ball signed by the superstars of  the 1920′s Yankees and only asks that the boys stop by once a week to talk baseball.  Mr. Mertle proves that the more horrible rumors, the nicer the person actually is, at least using movie logic.

4. Frank Couzo in Best of the Best

Another James Earl Jones sports movie role, although Coach Couzo is nowhere near as kindly as Mr. Mertle.  Charged with training Team USA for a karate grudge match against South Korea, Coach Couzo will not tolerate any shit and has strict rules about no alcohol, no women and no leaving training camp.  Not even if your kid is hit by a car while riding his bike and goes into a coma is an excuse for leaving camp to Coach Couzo.  It’s eventually revealed that Frank is so tough on his fighters because one of his previous fighters was killed during a fight and he promised himself that he would never let that happen again.  Although Team USA doesn’t win, they do win the respect of South Korea, which truly makes them the Best of the Best.

3. Thulsa Doom in Conan the Barbarian

One of the many iconic villain roles James Earl Jones has played over the years, Thulsa Doom is the living god and ruler of a snake cult that opposes Arnold Schwarznegger’s Conan in the classic swords and sandals epic, Conan the Barbarian.  Although not really a physical match for Conan, Thulsa Doom does have an army of followers who will literally do anything he commands, can transform into a snake and can turn snakes into poisonous arrows.  The only weird thing about Thulsa Doom is that you don’t hear him talk into almost an hour into the movie, almost unforgivable when you have someone with a voice as magnificent as James Earl Jones’.

2. Mufasa in The Lion King

Speaking of James Earl Jones’ magnificent voice, it was used to perfect effect in the Disney classic, The Lion King.  Mufasa is the king of the African Pridelands and passes on valuable life lessons to his spunky son Simba.  Unfortunately, Mufasa falls victim to the treachery of his evil brother Scar and is trampled to death by wildebeasts while attempting to save Simba, scarring the entire 90′s generation of children in much the same way that Optimus Prime’s death scarred the 80′s generation.  James Earl Jones’ performance just drips of gravitas and importance, so much so that even as a ghost he is able to whip a slacker Simba back into shape and sets him on his path to claim his throne from Scar.

1. Darth Vader in the Original Star Wars Trilogy

Despite every attempt by George Lucas to pussify him with his constant revisions, Darth Vader is still one of the greatest villains in movie history.  What other villain could create a running joke that involves him constantly strangling to death and replacing subordinates?  A New Hope Vader in particular is extremely bad ass; 5 minutes into seeing him for the first time he is holding a man in the air by his throat and strangling him for information.  Darth Vader is also a master lightsaber swordsman and skilled TIE Fighter pilot (How crazy is it that Vader actually goes into the the thick of the shit at the end of A New Hope?)  He also has the largest Star Destroyer ever as his personal flagship and believes torture is the best way to extract information.  Just block the Prequels from your mind and focus on the fact that Vader is a faceless, evil, murdering machine who redeems himself in the end.

I talked about it on this week’s Everything Actioncast but I recently discovered the lost 80′s classic Megaforce on Youtube last weekend and it inspired me to resurrect our Top 5 lists (although future lists won’t necessarily be 5 items) and highlight some of the best things about this vehicular spectacular.

1. The Trailer

The trailer for Megaforce is an amazing mix of hyperbole and vagueness that makes it seem like it could be describing an action movie or some sort of monster truck/motorcycle rally that will be making it’s way to your local fairground. My favorite line is probably when the announcer declares Megaforce as “the ultimate spectacle”

2. Megaforce’s insertion and raid on the enemy base

The main mission that the Megaforce has to take on in the movie is taking on a rogue general who is causing havoc on the border of two Middle Eastern nations. Megaforce leader, Ace Hunter, describes a complex plan that he says will require precise timing to drive the enemy back but in practice it devolves into dropping seemingly endless missile carrying motorcycles and dune buggies with lasers on them from a cargo plane and just blowing the absolute shit out of the enemy base. It’s actually pretty impressive the amount of explosions and vehicles that are driving around during this sequence.

3. Megaforce’s Introduction

Our first real glimpse of the technology and men of the Megaforce occurs when Commander Hunter and his squad of bikers arrives to show off their bikes firepower to a visiting British general by blowing up balloons while doing wheelies, with, of course, gratuitous slow motion. It definitely sets the tone for the ridiculousness to come and if you’re not on board, Megaforce probably isn’t a movie for you.

2. Ace Hunter himself.

A hero who could only exist in the 80′s with his ever present baby blue bandana and skintight tan jumpsuits, Ace Hunter is the devil may care leader of the Megaforce. Ladies are unable to resist him, his men love him and there’s not a building or vehicle that he can’t explode, all aspects that would help him sucessfully lead to him becoming Mayor of New York City.

1. The Flying Motorcycle

In the climactic final battle of Megaforce, the squad desperately has to reach their extraction plane while blasting their way through the enemy’s line of tanks. Hunter is knocked off his bike and is seemingly going to be left behind when he activates a recent upgrade to his motorcycle that turns it into a mini-jet. What follows is some of the most gloriously awful blue screen you will ever see and is the perfect capper to a movie that is closest the world will ever get to a live action version of the 80′s cartoon “M.A.S.K.”

This week Zach, Chris and Joe (joined later by Brian) talk about the best movies of this year’s Summer blockbuster season, preview what the Fall has to offer, Steven Seagal: past and present, the surprisingly solid Fright Night, the failings of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake and much more.

• Show and Tell: Chris saw Fright Night, Blue Mountain State and Tomkats, Joe watched Blitz and Zach watched Above the Law, Season of the Witch, Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) and The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.
• News: The Hunger Games teaser, Steven Seagal getting sued for excessive police raid, Taken 2 starting to shoot in October, Star Wars Blu Ray changes, the lowest box office opening ever and the New Release Round Up.
• Special Feature: It’s the end of another Summer and we count down our top 5 movies of the summer and all come to the same conclusion about the best movie of the summer.  We also preview what’s coming out in September and October.

This week the Everything Actioncast turns 40 and we celebrate by talking about our favorite movie and TV cars, people with awesome names, NASA’s Top 5 most scientifically inaccurate and accurate movies, and what we’re excited about during TV’s mid-season.

• Show and Tell: Joe watched Resident Evil: Extinction, Brian watched Twilight Zone: The Movie and Mystery Team, Chris watched Devil (with Joe), The Iron Giant, Louis C.K.: Hilarious and Season One of Louie and Dracula: Dead and Loving It while Zach watched Machete and Dinner for Schmucks.  The guys also talk about some shows they’re looking forward to during mid-season including Lights Out, Parks and Rec, Primeval and more.
• News: John Carpenter’s The Ward trailer, Directing news round-up, NASA’s Top 5 most scientifically accurate and inaccurate movies of all time and the New Release Round Up.
• Special Feature: The Green Hornet is out this week and one of the stars is the souped up Chrysler Imperial, The Black Beauty.  Inspired by that, the guys talk about some of their favorite movie and TV cars including the Ecto-1, Deloreon, A-Team van, the various Batmobiles and Bond cars and more.

We want to hear your comments, feedback and, most importantly, suggestions for discussion topics. Send them all to contact@everythingaction.com. Also, be sure to subscribe to us in the iTunes music store (just do a search for Everything Actioncast in the store) and follow us on twitter @evaction and on Facebook

This week we welcome our first guest host, Chris’ friend Joe, and talk about great future roles for master thespian Gary Busey, the terrible lessons taught by Rookie of the Year, the lost 80′s classic Solarbabies,  movie news and our top 5 favorite TV to Movie adaptations.

• Show and Tell: Brian watched Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland and subjected himself to the MTV Movie Awards, Chris goes back to the mid 90′s with Rookie of the Year, Zach checked out the premieres of Burn Notice and Royal Pains, Solarbabies and the animated apocalypse of 9.  Joe closes us out with some quick thoughts on the video game Red Dead Redemption.
• News: The Crow reboot moving forward, Captain America and Thor concept photos, the return of Thundercats and the trailer for Norwegian Ninja.  Also the New Release Round Up.
• Top 5: We share our top 5 favorite TV to Movie adaptations inspired by this weekend’s release of The A-Team.  Joe also gives us his four TV shows that should have gotten a movie.

We want to hear your comments, feedback and, most importantly, suggestions for discussion topics. Send them all to contact@everythingaction.com. Also, be sure to subscribe to us in the iTunes music store (just do a search for Everything Actioncast in the store) and follow us on twitter @evaction.

5.  GI Joe

4. M.A.S.K.

3. Transformers

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

1. Ducktales

I’m sure everyone has their own favorites, let us know in the comments and maybe if we get enough we can do a “reader list” or something.

5. The Terminator- Police Station Shootout

Arnold shows us what an unstoppable killing machine he is as he attempts to kill Sarah Connor at the local police station.  Not even the bad assery of Lance Henriksen can stop Arnold’s rampage but fortunately Michael Biehn is there to rescue her.

4. The Rock- Shower Room

Michael Bay’s magnum opus has one of the most epic shootouts in action movies.  The Navy SEAL team led by Michael Biehn is attempting to catch the renegade Marines off guard on Alcatraz Island.  Unfortunately for them John C. McGinley brought an unknown tumbler device that warns the Marines of their approach.  After a tense standoff one of the Marines dislodges some debris and firefight ensues.  The SEALs are slaughtered and it’s up to Nic Cage and Sean Connery to continue the mission by themselves.  The music and slow motion are what make this scene so awesome.

3. The Matrix- Lobby Shootout

You know it, you love it, I don’t know what I can add to everything that’s already  been said about this scene.

2. Hard Boiled- Tea House

Chow Yun Fat shows us why he’s the god of guns and John Woo shows us why he is an action master with this opening scene from Hard Boiled.  Not even five minutes into the movie and there’s an explosion of bullets and bodies as Inspector Tequila attempts to stop a group of arms smugglers.  Amazing choreography and things just get bigger and bigger as the movie goes on.

1. Heat- Bank Robbery

We heaped praise on it during the podcast but let me just reiterate that this is argueably the best shootout in movie history.  The deafening sound of the guns and lack of music completely immerse you in the scene.  Plus you have Val Kilmer, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino all acting like bad asses.

Probably the funnest thing about Bond movies is all the crazy gadgets that James gets from the constantly unamused Q.  Here are 5 of our favorites.

5. Alligator from Octopussy

Bond has to sneak his way onto the female-only island run by the mysterious Octopussy.  Not content to simply use something as pedestrian as a submarine or scuba gear, Bond uses a mechanical alligator to get him both to the island and off of it.  Not sure I would want to be in it when it does a death roll however.

4. Laser Watch from Goldeneye

A simple, yet effective gadget that proves to be a lifesaver for Bond when he has to cut through the floor of an armored train with a bomb set to go off any minute.  The watch is also good as a decoy later on when 006 believes it’s used as a detonator but  learns that the pen is mightier than the laser watch.

3. Briefcase from From Russia with Love

The first official gadget from Q Branch, the briefcase from From Russia With Love is filled with all kinds of suprises.  It has a tear gas canister that detonates if the briefcase is opened wrong, a hidden rifle, two rolls of gold coins, extra ammo and a throwing knife.  Bond is able to trick assassin Red Grant into opening the case wrong and then defeats him after a brutal fight.

2. Little Nellie from You Only Live Twice

The Wallis WA-6 Gryocopter aka Little Nellie is an awesome little vehicle that is fast and has a ton of firepower.  Bond uses her to try to find a Spectre base somewhere off the coast of Japan.  He gets ambushed by a group of helicopters and has to use all the weapons in Little Nellie’s arsenal including rockets, air mines, flame throwers and machine guns.

1. Lotus Esprit from The Spy Who Loved Me

Although I’m partial to the Aston Martin the Lotus is definetely the most gadgety car in Bond history.  It carries an ink blaster, missiles, torpedoes and machine guns but the coolest part is that it’s also a fully functional submarine.  This proves useful as Bond and Russian spy Triple X are trying to stop maniac Stromberg from starting a nuclear war from his underwater base.

Time Travel, one of the most interesting concepts in fiction.  Having the ability to go forward or backward in time to experience things beyond your years, or prevent something terrible from happening.  However, it takes a certain person to be able to travel through time.  Here our five favorite.

5. Frank Parker

The dark horse pick this week is Chrononaut Frank Parker from Seven Days.  Played by Jonathan LaPaglia, Frank was recruited by a secret NSA project called Backstep which developed a time machine from the crashed alien spacecraft from Area 51.  Whenever something terrible happened that effected national security Frank was sent back in the sphere 7 days in the past to prevent it from happening.  For three seasons Frank had to deal with terrorists, aliens, wierd time glitches and other wierdness along with resident d-bag Nathan Ramsey.

4. Max Walker

There’s only one man that I know of who is able to actually police time and that’s Max Walker aka Jean Claude Van Damme.  With his sweet mullet and rocket propelled time machine (that mysteriously disappears during travel), Walker is able to stop people from messing with the future as we know it.  Mostly this involves people trying to get rich, like smarmy asshole Senator McComb.  McComb learns the hard way not to mess with time travel as he and his past self are turned to goo because “the same matter cannot exisit in the same spot at the same time.”  Walker, meanwhile, is able to save his wife and create a brighter future for everyone.

3. T-101

Sent back three times, the first to try to kill Sarah Connor and the other two to protect her son, the T-101 is definitely one of the most bad-ass time travelers.  Terminator style time travel has some downsides like having to arrive naked and unarmed and not being able to return to the future.  Arnold makes the most of it however by learning some rad 90′s phrases and kicking all kinds of ass. Oh, props to Kyle Reese as well for being the only actual human from the Terminatorverse to go back in time.

2. Bill and Ted

Bill and Ted understand what time travel should be, completely non heinous and a most excellent adventure.  Due to them being the saviors of the future, George Carlin’s Rufus journeys back in time to help the dudes get an A on their history reports.  The guys accomplish this by borrowing important historical figures and getting their takes on late 80′s San Dimas, CA.  Hijinks ensue, Extreme is played and the guys ace their report with a stage show worthy of Van Halen.  Amazing what an old phone booth can do.

1.  Marty McFly and Doc Brown

Like Doc said, “If you’re going to build a time machine you might as well do it in style”.  And so was born the coolest time machine ever, the Delorean.  Running on plutonium to begin with the Delorean is soon equipped with a “Mr. Fusion” energy converter and hover technology.  These two have probably screwed up and saved time so many times we’ve lost count.  They’ve been to the 50′s, the future and the wild west and even an alternate version of the present.  The Doc even made a time machine out of a Steam locomotive.  If there was a time traveler’s hall of fame these two would be the first inductees.

Chris Farley will easily go down as one of the top SNL cast members of all time since he’s given us such hilarious sketches and characters.  Here are our picks for his five best.

5. Herlihy Boy House Sitting Service

While Farley and Spade may have been the dynamic duo of the big screen, Farley and Sandler were an awesome pair on the small screen. They had a number of great sketches, including the Zagat’s couple, but this one is underrated and completely hilarious. Sandler plays the Herlihy Boy, a house sitter who gets more needy and desperate as the sketch goes on. Farley plays, possibly, his father and gets more and more pissed off as the sketch goes on, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THE BOY SLEEP IN YOUR BED!”

4. Chippendales

Swayze, Farley, “Working for the Weekend”, what else is there to say?

3. Bennett Brauer

He may not have been “the norm” or “camera friendly” but Bennet Brauer was “hilarious”. Almost every cast member had some weekend update segment or character and Chris Farley brought his angry, quote happy, commentator Bennet Brauer to the ring to talk about, well, I’m not really sure if he ever had a point.

2. The Chris Farley Show

Remember that time Chris Farley had his own show? Yeah, that was awesome. According to the cast this was the closest to the real Chris Farly, a sweet and nervous guy who was always humbled by the stars who came through. On this episode Chris talks to Jeff Daniels about some of his movies like Something Wild and Purple Rose of Cairo.

1. Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker

The ultimate showcase of Chris Farly’s genius physical comedy was Matt Foley, the world’s worst motivational speaker. Getting jacked up on coffee before a presentation, Foley would talk about how much his life sucked including “living in a van down by the river.” God forbid there was any furniture in the area because it would probably be destroyed soon after the speech started. Although there were a few sketches with Foley, nothing beats the first time where Foley has to straighten out some pot smoking teens.

We all know that Patrick Swayze is an ass kicker from movies like Road House, Point Break and Red Dawn but, unlike conventional action stars, Swayze manages to inject his movies with valuable advice and zen wisdom.  Here are five of his greatest lessons.

5. “Be Nice”

4. “Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.”

3. “Nobody ever wins a fight”

2. “If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It’s not tragic to die doing what you love.”

1. “Pain don’t hurt”

Anyone can throw together a good gun fight but a good knife fight is something different.  It takes choregraphy and lots of skill.  In honor of Cobra’s Night Slasher and his ridiculous knife we’re going to countdown what we think are the top 5 knife fights.

5. Timecop

Timecop’s fight starts out with Van Damme (and his fantastic mullet) getting awakened by the late Ron Silver’s goon squad.  One of them is brandishing a couple of crazy looking knives along with a taser.  Van Damme manages to get one of the knives away from the goon and a quick battle begins.  Of course, Van Damme can’t go for very long without kicking someone so the feet start flying near the end.  He then pulls a Jason Bourne and pulls out a towel and uses that to land some kicks to the face.  Eventually a water tank is spilled and the goon is knocked to the ground.  The other goon manages to get the taser and fires it at the water to electrocute Van Damme.  They didn’t count on Van Damme’s balls of steel however as he executes a full split on the counter and the first goon is the one shocked instead.  Talk about Van Dammage.

4.  Resident Evil 4

This one is cheating just a tad bit as it’s not from a movie, it’s from a video game.  It’s still one of the most awesome knife fights I’ve ever seen though.  Ex-Raccoon City officer Leon Kennedy is in Spain, working for the secret service to find the President’s kidnapped daughter, Ashley Graham.  Deep in the enemy complex he runs into an old army buddy, Jack Krauser.  It turns out Krauser was the one who kidnapped Ashley in exchange for getting some body enhancements courtesy of the mysterious Las Plagas virus.  An epic knife fight occurs between the two with enough slow motion and flips to give John Woo a hard on.  The tension is raised as you have to press certain buttons when they pop up or Leon is toast.

3. The Hunted

The Hunted gets some bonus points for supposedly having realistic knife fighting tactics used by special forces.  In the movie Benicio Del Toro plays Aaron Hallum, a special forces soldier who snaps and flees into the Pacific Northwest forest.  He then goes on a killing spree, massacring hunters in the area.  The one man who might be able to stop him is the man who trained him, L.T. Bonham, played by Tommy Lee Jones.  After several close calls and chases, the two face off near the base of a waterfall using knives made from resources in the area.  An extremely brutal and realistic knife battle ensues.

2. Under Siege

Tommy Lee Jones shows up again, this time playing the evil Strannix facing off against Steven Seagal’s Casey Ryback.  After taking back most of the hijacked USS Missouri (and blowing up Gary Busey), Casey sets out to find Strannix and stop him from lauching nukes at Hawaii.  After a little back and forth about how America may or not fuck people over a ridiculous (and pretty one sided) knife fight takes place between the two. Casey manages to cut or stab Strannix about 4 or 5 times while the best Strannix can do is give Casey a little cut above the eyebrow.  Casey overpowers Strannix, pokes one of his eyes out and then stabs him straight through the skull before shoving him into a console.  To add the cherry to top of the fight sundae Casey drops the one liner, “Keep the faith Strannix”.

1. Commando

If you didn’t see this coming then welcome to the site for the first time.  How can it possibly get any better than the final battle between John Matrix and Bennett?  It starts out with Matrix saying, “Let’s Party!” and Bennett possibly jizzing in his pants over the though of stabbing Matrix with a knife.  The two then battle it out using not just their knives but steel furnace doors, pipes, electrical fences and more.  Eventually, when it becomes clear that Bennett is no match for the killing machine that is John Matrix, Bennett pulls out an Uzi and remarks that he’s going to shoot Matrix in the balls.  Matrix answers this by ripping a steam pipe off the wall and throwing it through Bennett’s torso.  Steam continues to pour out of it and Matrix blesses us with the classic line “Let off some steam, Bennett”.  He is then reunited with his daughter Alyssa Milano and heads off into the sunset with her and Rae Dawn Chong.

*BONUS*  How to win a real life knife fight with Mark “Animal” MacYoung

Batman has fought a lot of villains over the years.  But, for every Joker or Two-Face there’s someone who is less threatening or effective.  Here are 5 of the most ridiculous villains ever to cross paths with the Dark Knight.

5. Calendar Man

Calendar Man could be an effective villain except for one problem; he only commits crimes on holidays.  Yes, when Thanksgiving or Christmas comes around Batman knows that Calendar Man is probably up to something.  CM mostly spends his days in Arkham Asylum, acting insane and covering his walls with calendars.  He does sort of help Batman during The Long Halloween when someone similar to him, the Holiday killer, is on the loose so I guess that’s something.

4. Batzarro

The Waluigi of DC Comics, Batzarro comes from the same world as Bizarro, who he’s kind of a rip off of.  Aside from his terrible name he talks backward, has no eyes and terrible teeth.  His alter ego is Wayne Bruce and he eventually gets killed by the Joker, who also created him.

3. Mad Hatter

When I think of Alice in Wonderland I usually think of that damn Cheshire Cat and copious amounts of acid.   I’m not sure what Jervis Tetch was smoking when he decided to become a criminal but it must have messed him up pretty good.  He started dressing up as the Mad Hatter from Alice and went on a hat related crime spree.  He uses hats to mind control people, which are probably not the most effective weapons.  Well, unless you’re Odd Job.  In his down time Jervis likes to have tea party’s and rhyme, frightening.

2. Clock King

Batman villains have all sorts of special powers and skills.  Clock King aka Temple Fugate’s skill is being really punctual.  That’s probably not so much a villain skill as it is OCD.  After losing an important court case because he took some bad advice from the future mayor of Gotham to relax, Fugate goes overboard on the clock theme and starts a plan of revenge against the mayor.  Of course, Batman is there to save the day and defeats Clock King in, where else?, a clock tower.

1. Scarface and The Ventriliquist

Does it get anymore ridiculous than a dummy who’s a crime boss.  Scarface is a ventriliquist dummy who is based on Al Capone and carries a little tommy gun around and generally acts like it’s the 1920′s.  He’s also a split personality of his puppeteer, Arnold Wesker.  He also can’t say B’s, he pronunces them with G’s.  A nerdy puppeteer with a speech impediment and a wooden dummy are a major threat to Batman?  C’mon!

]]> http://www.everythingaction.com/2009/03/19/top-5-most-ridiculous-batman-villains/feed/ 0 http://www.everythingaction.com/2009/02/26/top-5-most-bad-ass-kurt-russell-characters/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=top-5-most-bad-ass-kurt-russell-characters http://www.everythingaction.com/2009/02/26/top-5-most-bad-ass-kurt-russell-characters/#comments Thu, 26 Feb 2009 05:36:24 +0000 Zach http://www.kickassmoviepodcast.com/?p=653

Kurt Russell might be known now for more more family friendly movies but in the 80′s and 90′s he had one kick ass character after another.  Today we honor the 5 most bad ass.

5. Gabe Cash

Give Cash credit for surviving an assassin and one of the world’s most unfriendly jails but he’s not higher because he had help from a certain Mr. Stallone.  Cash is the maverick of the duo while Tango is the by the books guy.  After being a thorn in Jack Palance’s side the two are sent to jail for allegedly killing a federal agent.  They escape and eventually simultaneously shoot Palance in the head.

4. Wyatt Earp

First off, mustaches don’t get much more bad ass than that.  Wyatt Earp is a legendary lawman of the wild west and in Tombstone, as played by Russell, he had to take on The Cowboys led by the terrible team up of Michael Biehn and Powers Boothe.  Fortunately he had his brothers and Doc Holliday with him and engaged in all sorts of bad assery like beating the shit out of Billy Bob Thorton’s crooked card dealer, engaging in the shoot out at the OK Corral and eventually going on a killing spree against The Cowboys.  Wyatt Earp is so bad ass in this movie he can wade across a river, wide open to bullets, and not be shot (even though there are about 5 guys shooting at him).

3. Jack Burton

Jack Burton is a wise ass as well as a bad ass.  Street smart from all his time driving the Pork Chop Express, Jack is unprepared for the weirdness happening in Chinatown.  He adjusts quickly however and is soon fighting off the demonic David Lo Pan and his mystical bodyguards Thunder, Lightning and Rain.  Jack is a unique action hero in that he prefers knives over guns.  This preference pays off when he impales Lo Pan in the head in one of the sweetest moves in movie history.  I just wonder what he did with that hitchhiking monster?

2. Stuntman Mike

Stuntman Mike is basically Freddy Krueger in a muscle car.  A serial killer, Mike got his kicks by targeting groups of girls and killing them by causing horrendous auto accidents.  He survives because he made his car “death proof” or reinforcing the chasis and adding other safety features.  He’s actually diabollically clever because the first group we see him target are getting drunk at a bar and after he kills them the cops assume it’s their fault since they were under the influence.  Unfortunately for Mike the next group he targets are the Charlie’s Angelsesque trio of Tracie Thoms, Zoe Bell and Rosario Dawson who, after surviving a harrowing chase, chase down and beat him to death in the ultimate moment of girl power.

1. Snake Plissken

As if you didn’t see this coming.  Snake Plissken is one of the biggest bad asses period.  His name is “Snake” and he has an eye patch for god sakes!  After getting locked away for god knows what he’s brought in to head into the wasteland of New York City to rescue the President.  Snake takes on cannibals, gangs, giant thugs and the Duke of New York to eventually rescue the President and gain his freedom.  Snake also inspired the creation of one of gaming’s biggest heroes in Metal Gear’s Solid Snake.  If you need someone to go into extremely hostile territory there is really only one man to call.

Movies and music are like peanut butter and chocolate so it makes sense when you feature a song in movie to make a music video based on the movie.  Here are 5 of the best movie based music videos.

5. Snakes on a Plane (Bring it)- Snakes on a Plane

I will fully admit that the song is laughably bad but I’m hoping it was intentional like the movie was.  Also how can we not include this when it opens with Samuel L Jackson’s famous quote about some certain reptiles and the man himself shows up in the middle of the video.  Also the chorus includes the line, “I can see the venom in your eyes.” Genius.

4. Iron Eagle (Never Say Die)- Iron Eagle

Moving on to a different kind of snake we have the hairtastic band King Kobra with the title song from Iron Eagle.  The video features the band going into an intense training regime under the hard assed command of Lou Gossett Jr.  The song is classic 80′s but the best part of the video is not even the singing, it’s Lou Gossett berating the band during interludes.  During one interlude one of the band members asks if Gossett Jr. thinks they’re machines and Chappy with responds, “Exactly what you gotta be if you want to fly!”

3. The Dream Warriors- Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors

Every music video should be as epic as this one.  Patricia Arquette reprises her role as Kristen from Elm Street 3 where she lead a band of psychic kids into battle against Freddy Krueger.  Here she’s having a nightmare of entering a creepy house, all the while being stalked by Freddy.  She resuces a little girl but runs into Dokken and is understandably scared.  The little girl turns into a skeleton and Patricia wakes up.  She goes back to sleep and is back in the creepy house.  All of a sudden the entire band bursts out of the walls and through the ceiling.  At first Patricia is scared but is won over by a bitching guitar solo.  Afterwards the band faces the real enemy, Freddy.  Using the pure power of rock they kick Freddy’s ass and just when you think he’s going to be defeated it’s revealed that it was Freddy’s nightmare the entire time.

2.  Ninja Rap- TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze

Vanilla Ice shows what kind of lyrical prowess he has when he makes up this song on the spot when the Turtles brawl with mutants Toka and Rahzor spills into the nightclub he’s perfoming in.  He also manages to come up with a dance for it as well. The actual scene in the movie featured the Turtles fighting the mutants and such but here it’s almost exclusively the Ice Man.  The Turtles show up to bust some moves, most of the time in slow motion.  There’s also an almost comfortable amount of pelvic thrusts into microphones. Go, Ninja, Go, Ninja, Go!

1. Top Gun Anthem- Top Gun

It’s a tough call between the Top Gun music videos but ultimately Berlin’s video is weird and depressing and Kenny Loggins’ features him in a hotel room with an ungodly amount of five o’clock shadow so it’s kind of disturbing.  What isn’t disturbing is how awesome the video for the Top Gun anthem.  Keyboard master Harold Faltermayer is all business as he drops the sensitive side of the songe while Steve Stevens rocks out looking like a transvestite from the future.  The video opens with some clips from the movie and then the rest of the video takes place in an aircraft hangar (with short clips here and there).  Steve Stevens shows off tons of great guitar moves and he plays half the song with the guitar straight up and down over his head.  He’s also the only person I’ve seen to rock out on the wing of jet.

Vampires have been the source for a lot of great stories since Bram Stoker first wrote Dracula in 1897.  Forget all the recent Twilight emo pussies,  Here are our picks for the top 5 best bloodsuckers.

5. Mr. Burns (Bart Simpson’s Dracula)

In Treehouse of Horror IV, Springfield sees a rash of mysterious deaths.  When Mr. Burns buys the blood bank, Lisa suspects he might be a vampire.  The Simpsons get invited to Burns Manor for dinner and Bart and Lisa find his underground lair.  Lisa escapes but Bart can’t resist using the Super Fun Slide lever and ends up getting turned by Burns.  According to Lost Boy logic if you kill the head vampire all half-vampires turn back to normal so Homer gets to live the American dream and kill his boss (after first destroying his crotch).  However it turns out that everyone but Lisa is a vampire but everyone starts singing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” so it’s all right.  A classic Simpsons episode when the show was still good.

4. David (The Lost Boys)

I think it’s a rule that we can’t have an episode or blog post without mentioning Keifer Sutherland.  Since we talked about Lost Boys this week I think it’s only fair to include David on our list.  David and his gang terrorize Santa Carla, hang out at the carnival, ride motorcycles, kill Surf Nazis and hang off of railroad bridges.  They also look like big fans of Whitesnake.  Anyway, David gets props for biting someone through the skull to drink their blood, fucking with Jason Patric’s mind and almost killing Corey Haim.  He was eventually killed by a mounted deer head and also wasn’t the head vampire but you’d know that if you listened to the episode (available one post above).

3. The Count

Although his bloodsucking activities are debatable at best (“You’re asking if they’ve ever done a Sesame Street where the Count kills someone and drinks their blood for sustenence?”) many kids learned how to count under his careful tutelage.  Along with his pet bats and vague European accent he would count anything and everything and the world is better for it.  Although I of course have not watched Sesame Street in a long time I hope the Count is still around and not PCed up like the now vegetarian Cookie Monster.

2. Blade

Simple fact: Blade is a bad ass.  A vampire who kills other vampires and is able to walk in the daylight, all while looking as stylish as possible.  He also a crazy assortment of weapons that dispatch vampires in all sorts of gory ways including a chemical that causes them to explode.  Blade kinda fell off after the first two movies what with a terrible TV show and the awful third movie but watch the opening of Blade 1 again and tell me that he isn’t a BAMF.

1. Dracula

The O.G. vampire, Dracula has appeared in many different incarnations over the years.  From the classic Bela Lugosi movie to Christopher Lee to Gary Oldman and tons more Dracula is probably one of the, if not the most, widely used characters ever.  All the blood sucking, bat tranformations, fangs and seducing the ladies all came from this guy.  Although he’s been killed a number of times by stakes, garlic, crosses, etc. he always finds a way to come back, just ask Simon Belmont.

]]> http://www.everythingaction.com/2009/02/12/top-5-vampires/feed/ 0 http://www.everythingaction.com/2009/02/05/top-5-awesomely-cheesy-soundtracks/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=top-5-awesomely-cheesy-soundtracks http://www.everythingaction.com/2009/02/05/top-5-awesomely-cheesy-soundtracks/#comments Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:39:12 +0000 Zach http://www.kickassmoviepodcast.com/?p=618

Nowadays it seems like soundtracks are whatever 10 bullshit hip hop songs are popular with the tweeners but back in the ’80′s, these albums were full of songs made just for the movie, and it was most non heinous.  From hair metal to Kenny Loggins here’s the top 5 most awesomely cheesy soundtracks.

5.  Footloose

Defining Song: “Footloose” by Kenny Loggins

Footloose follows the tale of Kevin Bacon trying to free a small town from the puritanical reign of John Lithgow with the power of dance.  So, of course, the movie featured a number of songs.  The title track by Kenny Loggins is the most famous but there was also the built for montage track of “I’m Free”, the angry dance classic “Never” by Moving Pictures and “Holding Out For a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler.

4. Back to the Future

Defining Song: “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News

Back to the Future’s soundtrack is 1/3 Huey Lewis, 1/3 Alan Silvestri and 1/3 50′s songs.  Combined that makes one awesome album.  Huey Lewis  contributed “Power of Love” and also “Back in Time” which plays over the end credits and basically sums up the movie again, a sign of a great 80′s movie song.  Also on the album is Alan Silvestri’s classic score which is epic.  Rounding it out you have “Earth Angel” and “Johnny B. Goode” so you can reenact the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.  Johnny B. Goode is the original Chuck Berry version so you don’t have the combination of a laughable cover with terrible lip syching like you do in the movie.

3. Rocky IV

Defining Song: “No Easy Way Out” by Robert Tepper

Rocky IV’s soundtrack is amazing because almost every song is from a montage or montage related scene.  The stand out is of course “No Easy Way Out” by Robert Tepper which is during the introspective “Rock is Sad” montage where he remembers the good times with Apollo and how much he wants to kill Ivan Drago.  Other great songs include “Burning Heart” by Rocky alumni Survivor which is featured in the “Traveling to Russia” scene, “Heart’s On Fire” by John Cafferty which is during the second training montage and James Brown busted out “Living in America” the most ridiculously patriotic song till “America, Fuck Yeah”.  Vince DiCola also contributes a synthtastic score.

2. Top Gun

Defining Song: “Highway to the Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins

Top Gun is remembered for a lot of things, cool call signs, awesome jet action, underlying homo eroticism and a kick ass soundtrack.  Leading the charge is 80′s soundtrack master Kenny Loggins with Danger Zone which, rightly so, is played any chance the movie can get.  He also contributes “Playing with the Boys” which, combined with the volleyball scene it’s featured in, takes on new levels of meaning today.  Also on the soundtrack are the dynamic duo of Harold Faltermayer and Steve Stevens with the “Top Gun Anthem” which combines piano and guitar to create one of the greatest movie themes ever.  There’s also Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away” and it’s great keyboard track, “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling” by the Righteous Brothers and (not featured in the movie) Loverboy’s “Heaven in Your Eyes” for the cheesy love song trifecta.

1. Transformers: The Movie

Defining Song: “The Touch” by Stan Bush

Just listen to the artist’s involved on the soundtrack and decide if it’s cheesily awesome or not; Spectre General, Lion, Kick Axe, NRG, Stan Bush, Weird Al and Vince DiCola.  Stan Bush has proven himself to be the master of Transformers related songs and he busted out his first two here with “The Touch” and “Dare”, both amazing.   This movie is also not afraid to utilize it’s soundtrack songs as there is a musical interlude every 5 minutes at least.  Weird Al contributes “Dare to Be Stupid” which people are still scratching their heads about why it’s in the movie.  Kick Axe unleashes some hair metal gems with “Hunger” and “Nothing’s Gonna Stand in Our Way” along with NRG who give us “Instruments of Destruction” (which initated the numerous heart wrenching deaths in the movie).  Vince DiCola once again provide a synth powered score and Lion unleashes the “Transfomers Theme” with the power of 100 hair spray bottles.

Working at a company like Initech would definitely be a drag but the worst that could happen is boredom and possible carpal tunnel.  However, if you work at any of the following companies you might want to invest heavily in the company’s life insurance policy.

5. Oceanic Air

Oceanic Air is an airline that must have been built on an indian burial ground or something because the company is obviously cursed.  Working in PR would be a nightmare as planes are constantly crashing, getting hijacked by terrorists, having biological attacks unleashed on them, etc.   The pilots and flight crews should really be getting some sort of hazard pay, if they survive their trips.

4. INGEN

INGEN doesn’t seem like a bad place to work at first.  Your CEO is like a nice grandpa who likes dinosaurs and you get to be on the cutting edge of DNA manipulation.  It’s great until a Velociraptor disembowels you with its foot or a T-Rex swallow you alive.  Maybe John Hammond should have made Dodos like he mentioned instead.

3. Omni Consumer Products

OCP is your typical futuristic, evil corporation.  They manufacture a wide range of products, so you have variety.  On the other hand, product testing will probably kill you:

If ED-209 doesn’t kill you then Robocop or the collateral damage resulting from him probably will.  Also your boss is literally a “Dick” (Jones)

2. Weyland-Yutani Corp.

Weyland Yutani is in charge of setting up colonies on other planets.  If you work for them you are going to be killed by either an Alien or a Predator or in the rare case both. (Lance Henriksen says hi).  They also seem to have an android problem as they seem to frequently malfunction.  If getting attacked by a face hugger and having your stomach explode seems like fun than by all means get a job at Weyland Yutani, your cocoon is waiting!

1. Umbrella Corporation

What isn’t wrong with Umbrella corporation?  The company single handedly caused multiple zombie outbreaks, unleashed super powered monstrosities like Nemesis onto the world and basically seemed to be a portal to hell.  They created not just one zombie virus but two, have their own kill squads and the executives routinely tried to kill each other.  The only solution to stop the Raccoon City outbreak they caused was to nuke the city so obviously they won’t be winning an enviromental awards.  If you’re looking for a short career in bioengineering look no farther.

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