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Real Men of Action: Jack Burton

By Zach

Real Men of Action

  • Name: Jack Burton
  • Occupation: Truck Driver (Pork Chop Express)
  • Family: Unknown
  • Enemies: David Lo Pan, Thunder, Rain, Lightning
  • Allies: Wang Chi, Egg Shen, Gracie Law
  • Weapon(s) of Choice: Uzi, Knife
  • Body Count: 5
  • Catchphrase: “This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express.”

Truck driver Jack Burton got more than he bargained for when drove his friend Wang Chi to the airport to pick up Wang’s girlfriend.  When she arrives, she is kidnapped a by a group of thugs and taken into San Fransisco’s Chinatown.  Jack and Wang give chase, only to end up in the middle of a street war between the Chang Sings and the Wing Kong.  It appears the Changs are going to win the battle when three mysterious warriors arrive and seemingly have control of the elements like wind and lightning.  Jack decides it’s a good time to leave but trying to escape he runs over David Lo Pan, a powerful local businessman, or so he thinks.

Heading back to Wang’s house Jack and Wang team up with reporter Gracie Law, who’s been investigating Lo Pan, and Egg Shen, local tour bus driver and sorcerer.  Egg Shen explains that Lo Pan is actually a cursed sorcerer who must marry a girl with green eyes in order to become human again.  The gang believes that Wang’s girlfriend Miao is being held at a local massage parlor, so Jack goes undercover to investigate.  He gets ambushed by the Elements and barely escapes.

The gang then goes through all sorts of wacky misadventures at David Lo Pan’s building including going through a bizarre underworld beneath the building with Chinese hells for floors, a rampaging creature and finally the man himself.  Jack and crew discover a number of girls being held captive in the building and free them, and everyone escapes out the sewer pipes.  However, Gracie is captured, since she also has green eyes, and Jack, Wang, Egg Shen and the Chang Sings plan a final attack on Lo Pan.

Lo Pan, meanwhile, plans on marrying both women and then killing Gracie.  Before the gang attacks the room where the wedding is taking place, Egg Shen gives them all a special potion that eliminates fear and increases their reflexes.  The group then launches an all out assault on Lo Pan’s main chamber, with Egg Shen and Lo Pan getting into a sorcery duel and everyone else fighting off the Elements and the Wing Kong.  Lo Pan tries to flee with Miao but is cornered by Jack and co.  Jack throws his trusty knife at Lo Pan but misses and Lo Pan then tries the same thing.  Jack catches the knife however and nails Lo Pan in the head, killing him since he’s now mortal from the wedding.

The group then escapes and manages to take out the Elements along the way, Lightning gets a statue on his head and Thunder explodes himself and something happens to Rain.

The group celebrates their victory and Jack heads back out into the night in the Pork Chop Express, but with an unwelcome hitchhike in the form of Lo Pan monster creature.  Jack’s fate is currently unknown.

See Jack in Action:


One thought on “Real Men of Action: Jack Burton

  1. I prefered him in Escape from New York as Snake Plissken myself.

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