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Top 5 Vampires

Posted on February 12, 2009 by


Vampires have been the source for a lot of great stories since Bram Stoker first wrote Dracula in 1897.  Forget all the recent Twilight emo pussies,  Here are our picks for the top 5 best bloodsuckers.

5. Mr. Burns (Bart Simpson’s Dracula)

In Treehouse of Horror IV, Springfield sees a rash of mysterious deaths.  When Mr. Burns buys the blood bank, Lisa suspects he might be a vampire.  The Simpsons get invited to Burns Manor for dinner and Bart and Lisa find his underground lair.  Lisa escapes but Bart can’t resist using the Super Fun Slide lever and ends up getting turned by Burns.  According to Lost Boy logic if you kill the head vampire all half-vampires turn back to normal so Homer gets to live the American dream and kill his boss (after first destroying his crotch).  However it turns out that everyone but Lisa is a vampire but everyone starts singing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” so it’s all right.  A classic Simpsons episode when the show was still good.

4. David (The Lost Boys)

I think it’s a rule that we can’t have an episode or blog post without mentioning Keifer Sutherland.  Since we talked about Lost Boys this week I think it’s only fair to include David on our list.  David and his gang terrorize Santa Carla, hang out at the carnival, ride motorcycles, kill Surf Nazis and hang off of railroad bridges.  They also look like big fans of Whitesnake.  Anyway, David gets props for biting someone through the skull to drink their blood, fucking with Jason Patric’s mind and almost killing Corey Haim.  He was eventually killed by a mounted deer head and also wasn’t the head vampire but you’d know that if you listened to the episode (available one post above).

3. The Count

Although his bloodsucking activities are debatable at best (“You’re asking if they’ve ever done a Sesame Street where the Count kills someone and drinks their blood for sustenence?”) many kids learned how to count under his careful tutelage.  Along with his pet bats and vague European accent he would count anything and everything and the world is better for it.  Although I of course have not watched Sesame Street in a long time I hope the Count is still around and not PCed up like the now vegetarian Cookie Monster.

2. Blade

Simple fact: Blade is a bad ass.  A vampire who kills other vampires and is able to walk in the daylight, all while looking as stylish as possible.  He also a crazy assortment of weapons that dispatch vampires in all sorts of gory ways including a chemical that causes them to explode.  Blade kinda fell off after the first two movies what with a terrible TV show and the awful third movie but watch the opening of Blade 1 again and tell me that he isn’t a BAMF.

1. Dracula

The O.G. vampire, Dracula has appeared in many different incarnations over the years.  From the classic Bela Lugosi movie to Christopher Lee to Gary Oldman and tons more Dracula is probably one of the, if not the most, widely used characters ever.  All the blood sucking, bat tranformations, fangs and seducing the ladies all came from this guy.  Although he’s been killed a number of times by stakes, garlic, crosses, etc. he always finds a way to come back, just ask Simon Belmont.

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