I am, if I may say so, a bad movie connoisseur. We recently had the pleasure (?) of watching two direct to DVD Steven Seagal movies and we just watched The Wicker Man with Nicholas Cage. Many important life lessons can be learned from this movie.
1. Washington is a weird state.
2. If a doll drops from off the roof of a car, don’t pick it up.
3. Avoid hooking up with chicks named Willow that you meet at a Grateful Dead concert.
4. If you must however hook up, double bag it for your own protection. You may unwillingly create a demon spawn.
5. Any town that has a festival called “The Celebration of Death…and Reawakening” should probably be avoided.
6. Bees are probably not the best choice for a cult following.
7. Whoever directed this movie learned about dialogue from The Village.
8. Diane Delano is the poor, poor man’s Kathy Bates, and she sounds like a man.
9. Hippies are evil.
10. Burning Man is pretty damn vicious.
11. Dressing up like animals never ends well.
12. It’s ok to punch out women in certain circumstances.
13. Bear suits are the ultimate disguise.
14. Stay away from THE BEES!!!!, OH MY GOD THEY’RE IN MY EYES!!!!!!
15. Nicholas Cage should not do any movies that end in “man”.
16. Nicholas Cage should stick to movies that are executive produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.
That’s about it, if you learned anything life affirming from this or any other movie let us know.